We have been trying

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Last night, while driving home through a bit of small city traffic, he casually told me that a couple friend of ours are pregnant. The initial knee-jerk reaction for me as always was the usual, "Awww, that's nice." I have heard this kind of news far too many times. This time though, for some other reason—maybe it was the hustle and the bustle, or the color of the night sky—it felt slightly different. It felt like I was wearing heavy, heavy boots. I allowed myself to feel that pinch of jealousy just enough that it made me want to cry the whole car ride home.

But I didn't. I have somehow gotten so used to this feeling that my whole body had already figured out how to ride this sudden wave of emotions, as soon as it comes flooding in. I give myself credit when I say that I really do know how to deal with it. Unfortunately sometimes, it just sits there, ready to be visited again. I'm writing about this today because it's still there. The pinch of jealousy that I have felt yesterday, has reduced me into this. This... fragile ball—this walking, breathing, example of inadequateness.

Next January, we are going to be married for 5 years, in a relationship for 8, and been trying to conceive for 3. 

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