We have been trying

Last night, while driving home through a bit of small city traffic, he casually told me that a couple friend of ours are pregnant. The initial knee-jerk reaction for me as always was the usual, "Awww, that's nice." I have heard this kind of news far too many times. This time though, for some other reason—maybe it was the hustle and the bustle, or the color of the night sky—it felt slightly different. It felt like I was wearing heavy, heavy boots. I allowed myself to feel that pinch of jealousy just enough that it made me want to cry the whole car ride home.

But I didn't. I have somehow gotten so used to this feeling that my whole body had already figured out how to ride this sudden wave of emotions, as soon as it comes flooding in. I give myself credit when I say that I really do know how to deal with it. Unfortunately sometimes, it just sits there, ready to be visited again. I'm writing about this today because it's still there. The pinch of jealousy that I have felt yesterday, has reduced me into this. This... fragile ball—this walking, breathing, example of inadequateness.

Next January, we are going to be married for 5 years, in a relationship for 8, and been trying to conceive for 3. 

Hello, It's me, again

My last entry for this blog was posted a couple of years ago—2 years and 9 months to be exact. That means I have been putting aside the "need" to write more. I have always kept a journal for as long as I can remember but because I own an iPhone, and I do have a relatively short attention span, I can be easily distracted away from my notebooks.

For the almost three years that I have been MIA, I have done a few things in between. The major one was that I did go back to work—meaning yes, I have certainly travelled more than I stayed home. I am not exactly sure if that's a good thing (it's not) but let's just say, it wasn't bad either.

In 2016, I went back to work in Saudi Arabia for a little over 6 months. The same thing happened this year, in 2017. And in those months, I was fortunate enough to see different countries with the family I worked for. (I'm a PDN for a Royal Family, if you care to know, LOL.) At the risk of sounding burgis, yes, those travels were free—we flew on privately chartered airplanes, driven around in big cars, stayed in 5-star hotels with stacked mini bars, and went to eat at really fancy restaurants where they serve you little portions of food at a time—the whole shebang. It has all become a blur though, because it was work, and the whole time  I was there (yes, even when we were in New York), I was dreading to go home. It wasn't all rainbows, but that's another story.

At some point, I will properly put entries for each travel and tag them like any responsible person who runs a blog does, but for now, here's a lazy summary (A.K.A. Photos Grabbed From my Instagram) of where I've been for the almost 3 years I wasn't posting anything on here.

Afternoon walk

We have been sitting on our bottoms for more than a couple of months now, not exactly proud of it but it is what it is. There are bad days (which in actuality are kind of good, lol) when we would just drown under the folds of our uneventful day with TV series marathons and 2-hour naps but there are also good (active!) days when we would do chores, run errands, and go on walks around our little city. 

I admit, I've never been one who submits herself to torture—I mean exercise—so Phillip had to do some major convincing. He lovingly turned our afternoon walks into photowalks during sunset.

I have always been a bokeh girl since Flickr days (6-ish years ago?!) so it's nice I get to use his 1.4 nifty-fifty this time—I just had to trade my Canon for his Pentax. What a horror, haha, kidding—half kidding.

I  felt I had wonky upper limbs, yes, but I missed having a dlsr in my hand. There's comfort in knowing this kind of feeling can exist again.